Should Statements – Motivational Tools or Weapons of Shame?

I should get outside. I should take a walk. I should read. I should get out of bed. I should turn off the TV. I should do yoga. I should stack some of that wood that’s been piling up. The lake looks gorgeous. I should really go on a kayak ride.

Then there are the bigger ones. I should be more successful. I should be working harder to achieve my dreams. By now, I should have a career that gives me purpose. I should have done more with my life than I have so far. I should be happier. 

Should statements. Motivational messages for ourselves? Or shame inducing inner monologues?

I don’t love to admit this, but I tend to be a “should statement” guy. I often, unfortunately, live by these things, constantly preaching to myself all the things I should be doing, or should’ve done, in order to become the person I’m really meant to be. I feel bad if I spend an entire Saturday on the couch or if I watch TV every night rather than reading a book or if I go a week without bettering myself in some way. There are so many things I “should” be doing, I continually tell myself. “You should  stay in shape, eat right, practice your Spanish, be well-read, write more, put away your phone, get together with friends, sleep more, listen to the ‘right’ kind of podcasts, go to that local festival, get out of the house, enjoy life, be happy!” Not a day goes by when I’m not giving myself a list of things I should be doing or thoughts I should be feeling.

Currently I’m living at our family cabin in northern Minnesota. I’m on a leave of absence from my teaching position, a period in which I’d hoped I’d learn more about myself and come to some realizations about a new direction in life. I’m 54, a career public school teacher but someone who’s wanted to do more with his life since a very early age. This leave was supposed to be a time to find myself, find my voice, follow my passions, write, study, explore and perhaps even chart that future plan to fulfillment, purpose and joy. So you can imagine the should statements kicking around in my head these days. “You should be writing every day. You shouldn’t waste your time having fun. You should be researching graduate programs. You should beef up your social media presence. You should do this and you should do that.” Yes, it’s as exhausting as it sounds.

A few years ago I came head-on with this concept of should statements when I was seeking a new therapist and found one I’ll call Wendy. Wendy was great. I was feeling quite low and scared and confused about life at the time, and because Wendy approached therapy from a very prescribed, research-based perspective, she had what I was looking for – a whole toolkit filled with concrete strategies to help get me out of my rut. Wendy wasn’t just there to listen and lend an encouraging ear. She was ready with tried and tested solutions to my problems. I was on board.

Wendy followed the teachings, research and techniques of Dr. David Burns, a psychiatrist and cognitive behavior therapist known for his best selling book Feeling Good and the podcast by the same name. Dr. Burns practices, writes about, and trains other therapists on a form of CBT whose goal is not just finding solutions for patients with mood disorders but a “rapid and complete elimination of the negative feelings.” Putting aside my doubts that I could be quickly “cured” of my depression, anxiety and panic, I was ready to hear what Wendy, and Dr. Burns, had to say. I bought Dr. Burns’ books When Panic Attacks and Feeling Great, his updated version of Feeling Good, I began listening to his podcast, I saw Wendy on a weekly basis, and I religiously did the homework she assigned. I quite liked it, and as advertised, I slowly began to start “feeling good.”

I liked the strategies I was learning. There was uncovering the self-defeating beliefs of perfectionism, approval addiction and worthlessness. There was the “Thinking in Shades of Gray” technique that thoughtfully challenged me not to view every moment, interpersonal interaction or experience as a total win or total loss. There was the “What-If” technique that helped me flesh out fears hiding in the shadows and come to the realization that even if the worst of my fears comes true, I’ll be alright.

At the foundation, and heart, of Wendy’s therapy and Dr. Burns’ teachings is the “Daily Mood Journal,” the practice that pulls much of the Feeling Good philosophy together into one straightforward, worksheet-like tool. The Daily Mood Journal begins with the user identifying a recent, upsetting event, naming the emotions one was feeling at that moment and then analyzing the negative thoughts one was experiencing, thoughts that made the particular event so upsetting. For instance, the upsetting event could be something like, “I had a panic attack while at the movie theater with my friend,” the identified emotions might be, “”frightened, defective and embarrassed,” and the negative thought could be, “My friend will never want to go out with me again.” After completing these steps the user gives each negative thought a rating from 1 to 100 in terms of its intensity during the event and is then challenged to identify the distortions embedded in each negative thought. Using the above example, these distortions, dubbed Cognitive Distortions, could include jumping to the conclusion that your friend will respond negatively to you, blowing the event out of proportion or blaming yourself for something you couldn’t control. The final step of the Daily Mood Journal is to challenge each of the previously determined negative thoughts with a new thought that’s more positive and realistic. For instance, “My friend has always been there for me in the past. There’s a good chance she will want to understand what happened at the movie theater and will want to support me in the future.” Getting to these positive, realistic thoughts is aided by the help of more specific techniques in the Feeling Good playbook.

I liked using the Daily Mood Journal, and I still do. It’s effective, and it’s honestly helped me with my depression and anxiety in ways I’d never experienced before. And as a guy who likes structure and who appreciates something akin to a “recipe” for overcoming my struggles, it fits for me. But there’s one part of the approach that’s given me issues ever since I started using it, one part I’ve had trouble reconciling. It has to do with one in Dr. Burns’ list of 10 Cognitive Distortions, one of those thoughts we feel in moments of emotional unrest, those unhealthy thoughts that can trigger feelings of anxiety, depression and anger. This distortion, you may have guessed, is called “Should Statements.” These are the statements of “should, must, and have to” one uses to beat oneself up during times of anxiety and depression and statements that only serve to exacerbate one’s feelings of worthlessness, guilt or shame.

While in therapy with Wendy, and while working though many Daily Mood Journals with her, I appreciated her counsel, I respected her knowledge and I thoughtfully considered her advice. That included taking stock of what she was telling me about the countless should statements that were showing up in my lists of cognitive distortions. But it didn’t take long for me to begin to doubt the efficacy of eliminating “shoulds” from my vocabulary. I thought, “Aren’t should statements just another way of setting goals or expectations for oneself? And isn’t using goals and expectations to push oneself to become a better person a good thing?” I mean, I quickly reflected on things like exercise, diet, life-long learning, treating people with kindness or being a better father, husband and friend. In order to do those things, what seemed obvious to me at the time, was that there were a number of things I should be doing. Even when it came specifically to my mental health, I doubted the dark side of should statements because I considered them messages that would help motivate me to get better.

Eventually, instead of continually arguing with Wendy about the danger, or conversely, the power, of should statements, I put my concerns in my back pocket and moved on with my therapy, allowing myself my own hypothesis around should statements. But in the years since, and especially during my leave, I’ve thought a lot about them. And I’ve often felt concerned about my insistent use of them. I’ve realized, in many ways, that Wendy and Dr. Burns were right and that constantly telling myself all the things I should be doing, all the goals I should be attaining, all the dreams I should be fulfilling, has led to a great deal of stress, anxiety and feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy. Yet… YET!!! At the same time, should statements have led to a ton of personal growth for me during my leave. “I should go to Namibia for my brother’s wedding even though I’m incredibly anxious about it. I should resign from this job even though I might feel like a failure. I should bike across Germany even though I have no idea if I’m capable of it.” These should statements pushed me out of my comfort zone, drove me to do difficult things I absolutely needed to do for my mental health, and greatly increased my confidence in new and beautiful ways. So, ergo, I’ve felt conflicted. Should statements – weapons of stress and shame, or tools for personal growth?

Next week I’ll post Part Two of my thoughts on should statements. I’ll discuss how, for me, they’ve been largely driven by my lifelong longing to, as Theodore Roosevelt said, be “in the arena” or as Walt Whitman wrote, “contribute a verse.” I’ll point out that, in addition to the self-directed should statements that plague me, different types of should statements, those directed at others or the world, can be a huge struggle for some.  I’ll discuss should statements in the context of Dr. Brené Brown’s research and writings on shame. And I’ll share my conclusions for how I’ve reconciled the use of should statements in my life. Until then, I really should get up, do my yoga, get outside, take a shower, put away the dishes, clean the cabin… And I shouldn’t feel one ounce of shame if I do absolutely none of it! See you next week!

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